Everyone who caught the "Word Vomit" post and read it and replied... thank you so much for reading through that and posting and supporting. I hit my lowest ever today and purged myself with that post. In the process and with the guiding words of those that saw I've made a plan and I'm hoping to pull myself out of this deep, dark hole that I am in. One thing I've determined to do is try... really try... to be more positive. And in doing that "Word Vomit" has gone back into my drafts. I'm also going to get some help from my dr and change up my meds. I'm visiting with the Bishop this Sunday with Bret and we're hoping to find our way to the temple soon. One thing I'm going to keep here from the Word Vomit post is the counting of my blessings... so here goes. My husband is the very best. I couldn't love anyone more. We are so suited for each other. I don't believe in soul mates, or, at the very least, I don't believe that there is 1 right person out there for us. I do believe I found the most perfect person out there for me. We fit and we would do anything for each other. We want each other to be happy. Bret also loves our children so much. Almost as much as me. It is so hard to explain my relationship to Bret to others. My parents understand, because they have the same kind. And I'm lucky, because Bret's parents do not and it could have been easy to for him to follow in that pattern. Don't get me wrong, Bret's parents love each other, but Bret and I can't live without each other. Maybe that's bad. But we don't think so. We are equals and best friends and lovers and... there just aren't enough words. My children are wonderful. They are beautiful and smart and full of life and energy. They are pure joy... despite the trials. Darci is my hero. She feels crappy 90% of the time, but she is still so sunny and happy. We have a nice, comfortable home in a free country. We have 2 vehicles and many other material things that make life comfortable. Eliza came early, but she is healthy and strong and you'd never know she was a preemie. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives. I don't understand my Heavenly Father's faith in me. People keep telling me how strong I am when all I feel is weak. I'm like a stubborn child who isn't grabbing what is right in front of her. It's like that scene in Alice In Wonderland when they are running in a circle trying to get dry... all the while the waves are crashing over them and there is a fire within reach, but not the way they are going.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
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4 comments:
Marissa, this is Kristen. I read your post late last night. I wanted to comment, but I felt so inadequate. I do want your to know, however, that you are not alone. I will be thinking about you and praying for you!
This is perfect. Realizing your and telling your blessings out loud can make a world of difference in your own attitude!
It is so important for you to know that you are not alone. I think a lot of us have feelings of inadequacy and times of struggle. I can't say I know exactly how you feel. You are strong enough to see and want to make changes. I agree with you that a big step is being positive and focusing on that as much as possible. It is impossible for us to think of good and bad at the same time so if we are striving to focus on the good we will naturally let go of much of the bad. What a wonderful choice to return to the temple. That will bring you so much peace and blessings. I know that is a source of strength for Joel and I that we really can't find anywhere else. We always leave with such renewed sense of priorities, peace, resolve to continue on in the way of the Lord, and increased love for and from our Savior and Father in Heaven. I know you can make it through this...trust yourself and don't expect perfection instantaneously! Give yourself time and be patient with yourself! you are wonderful and everyone around you and anyone that knows you knows that...now you just need to rediscover that yourself! :)
Please don't hesitate to call when you want to go to the temple and need a babysitter. I know we need to take more advantage of that too. I usually go with friends but I know Nate and I need to go together more often.
Glad things are looking on the up-side!
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